Torn
by D. Destiny
Summary: This is a challenge I set to myself; cramping as much intense emotions as I could in a relatively small piece. General opinion so far is that I succeeded. Rating is for emotional content; not sexual. Reviews will always be treasured :)--Last Chapter added
1. 1

  
Disclaimer: Last time I checked they were mine…of course I was asleep at the time so my perception may have been a little off *looks left, looks right*

Setting: a number of years after Nemesis, I'm not sure yet, but say...between 6 and 10  
Genre: Angst/Drama/Tragedy and of course, a little old-fashioned Imzadi-romance

Rating: PG-13 for emotional content  
Notes: Not beta-ed and you might want to keep some tissues at hand. The plot changed drastically between the first and second chapter and spun pretty much out of my control, but because the first chapter had already been posted I opted not to change it.

The formatting of the story is going to be something like "Quantum Flux"; short chapters, posted when I've written them, only it will be much, much shorter. A page or ten max. I'm thinking. :)  
Reviews: Pretty Please :)  
  
oh: sentences between * * are thoughts, between .::. .::. telepathic communications...

**.:*:.Torn.:*:.**

"Hey."

.::.Hey.::.

"What are you doing in here?"

.::.Watching.::.

"Watching what?"

.::.The sky, the grass, the trees and the flowers, the future and the past.::. He recognized the answer as a line from one of her favourite poems and briefly he tried to see what she saw. It was a fruitless effort and always had been. He could never see as far, or as deep as she could. Both in the figurative and literal sense, but that didn't stop him from trying.

"And, are you enjoying the view?"

.::.Yes, it's beautiful.::.

"I bet it's not as beautiful as mine." He quipped, watching her for a reaction, but finding none. Against his instincts he refrained from enveloping his wife in a tight hug, knowing that she needed the space.

They stood like that for long, slow-passing minutes. They didn't move or speak, not even telepathically. The holographic birds and insects seemed to sense the sombre companionship the two humanoids provided and fell silent too; the sound of their journeys through the grass and trees the only interruption of silence.

His hands itched to touch her, to do anything at all to break the silence and when he could hold back no longer he opted for speech rather than movement. "You miss her, don't you?" He held his breath and waited.

"Very much." Her whisper, so quiet that he almost missed it, was carried away on the light breeze and if possible the silence became even more oppressing. It was the first time since days that she had spoken aloud, and a small part of him was grateful for the positive sign, however insignificant it might be.

"I'm sorry Dea." The involuntary sway of her body was the clue he'd been waiting for and he nearly leapt forward. His arms crept around her waist as he drew her back against his chest and he buried his face in her hair, breathing in her scent as if he needed it as badly as oxygen. He was so scared for her. So frightened that she would slip from his grasp that he couldn't form the words he wanted to say. It felt so good to hold her again, after long days in solitude, yet it frightened him beyond anything he'd ever felt before.

She was slipping and he didn't know how to keep her from falling over the edge. .::.Oh God Imzadi, please don't let go.::.

= = = 

To be continued…if you feel it's worth it. Please let me know :)


	2. 2

**2.**

.::.I'm trying, I'm trying so hard.::. Her tortured voice made its way into his head, and despite the agony of the emotions that came with it Will treasured it beyond measures; holding on to it like holding on to a life-line. .::.It hurts…it hurts so much.::. She crumbled against him and he linked his arms under hers to keep her upright; her legs no longer able to carry the weight that rested upon them.

Slowly he lowered her to the floor and sank behind her. His back rested against the semi-wooden fence around the balcony and hers rested against his chest. Will pressed kisses on the top of her head, hoping that she could draw a measure of comfort of the affectionate gesture, that it would, if only for a moment, chase away the pain and loneliness that threatened to consume her.

Deanna tried to cry, but her emotions were so overwhelming that she could only sob on choking breaths. From what he could sense of her, and that was painfully little, she was unable to find an anchor amidst her inner turmoil and he pulled her closer, providing a physical anchor instead. .::.I love you Dea, please believe that. Whatever you need, whatever you want, I'll do everything in my power to give it to you.::. It was a shallow promise, certainly in times like this, but it was all he had to offer and it was the least she deserved.

.::.I just want them back! That's all…oh god, please, give them back.::. Her screaming plea was like salt in his own raw wounds and it slipped between the bondages she had so carefully wrapped around his torn heart, making him remember all over. The fire, the heath and the terrible pain. 

"Shhh" he whispered aloud "we'll get through this, we have to. You're strong Dea, you can do it. For them." And God he hoped he spoke the truth.

.::.I feel so lonely. Like my heart and mind are empty, like they always will be.::. She clung tighter to him, her entire body trembling. Will wrapped one hand in her black curls, hanging limply down her back, and wrapped the other around her waist, noticing once again that she had lost weight. How come he hadn't seen sooner how much she was suffering? It had been two weeks; two weeks in which she had comforted him, consoled him and helped him deal with his anger, guilt and grief…two weeks during which he had admired her for her strength. And then she had collapsed.

Reviewing the logs he had discovered that she'd run this program every night since it happened and while he slept and dreamt she had crept out of their bed and had come to the holodeck, dealing with her grief all by herself. .::.I'm here Imzadi, I will always be here.::. He felt her fear. Fear that some time something would tear them apart and that he would be taken away from her as well. He shared that fear, but like her he would not voice it. Fearing that if he did, it would become true.

She moved, slowly pulling away from him and reluctantly he let her go. .::.I think I need to be alone.::. His mouth opened, his mind already screaming his objection, but she continued, .::.Please Imz—Will…I just, need time.::. He couldn't leave her, not now, not when she was in such pain, not ever. "Please" her whisper, almost unreal and so filled with anguish and tears, took the decision from him. He'd never been able to deny her anything, especially not when she looked as vulnerable as she did now.

Slowly he rose to his feet, his body aching when he lost contact with her. His hand reached out to her, but he withdrew it before he touched her. "I love you Deanna, please Imzadi, remember that." His blue eyes filled with tears as he looked at her one last time and then left the holodeck, leaving his heart behind.

Tbc...

_I know, **very** evil me. I'm truly sorry; been a little caught up in school and some other stuff and kinda forgot about this *gulp*. But I'll do better from now on, promise :D Got some nice stories in store for you guys after I finish posting this one :)_

_D._


	3. 3

**3.**

"Deanna," he breathed her name on reflex when she entered their quarters. She looked, on all accounts, terrible. Her hair hung dully around her face. The softness and darkness of her curls had since disappeared. Her eyes stood huge and anguished in her pale features, red and swollen from long hours of crying and underlined by dark rings that testified to a lack of sleep. her cheeks hollowed by a lack of food. The traditional dress she wore hung carelessly on her shoulders, nearly exposing her left breast and accentuating her unhealthy loss of weight.

.::.I thought you had to be on the bridge.::. Will couldn't make out if she was merely surprised, or if she had hoped he wouldn't be there. It had been hours since he'd left her in the holodeck and he had hoped that by the time she got back she would be ready to share her sorrow with him, but it didn't seem that his wish had been granted.

"I put Deringer in command until we reach Betazed." Watching her face closely for any sign of emotion he saw her eyes squeeze shut and open again, revealing a thin thread of hope.

.::.Thank you.::.

Surprised he reminded her that she had wished to be alone, almost as if defending himself. Thankfully she didn't seem to take notice of his tone. .::.I don't know what I want anymore.::. She admitted quietly. .::.I want things to be the way they were…I want my family back Imzadi.::. Troi threw herself into his arms. Her mental touch was familiar and welcomed, treasured like it had been since they'd met, yet it was different. It felt salty like her tears, bitter like her hopes and anguished like her heart, but there was an urgency that drove her deeper and deeper into his mind, until he felt as if she'd crawled entirely into his head with him.

When her body went limp in his arms panic shot through him. She couldn't die! Not her too, not on top of the loss he was already suffering! Just as he was about to call medical her voice drifted into his mind again. .::.I'm all right Imzadi…it's just a trance.::.

.::.Damn it Dea! You scared the hell out of me! Why did you do that?!.::.

.::.I'm sorry!.::. Her remorse palpable in his mind .::.I just couldn't stand the loneliness. Goddess, Will the loneliness.::. Although her body didn't move, he could almost see her close her eyes as tears escaped them. Her mind seemed to snuggle closer against his and he tried to send her the sensation of a hug, long forgotten the uneasiness he'd felt only moments earlier.

.::.Shhh, everything will be all right Dea.::. He thought to her with as much as conviction he could muster.

A mental sob escaped her, startling him with the rush of emotions that travelled along. In his mind's eye he saw a scene of the last morning they'd spend with their family before their world turned into a living nightmare. .::.No,.::. she thought sadly, .::.nothing will ever be all right again.::. 

And in silence he agreed.

Tbc...

Okay, hope you like so far :) 8 more chapters to go *g*  
Also, please check out my brand new website site Yay –nope, I still can't believe I have one, funny ain't it? There's no Imzadi-stories up there yet, but there are a few others you might enjoy. Also, for those of you who have been wondering about the epilogue of "Doctor's Orders" I put a link up, but ff.net edited it out, so, keep an eye on my website, it'll be up there eventually :)


	4. 4

**4.**

"Deanna?" Hesitantly he stepped into their bedroom. For the last four hours he'd been on the bridge, viewing and reviewing the latest updates on the news of the exploded private ship. The investigations, by Starfleet as well as by the Betazed Government were still inconclusive and neither body was willing to draw conclusions, to his rising frustration.

Peeking into the bedroom he found his wife asleep. The restless moving of her limbs and the grunting and murmured words were undoubtedly signs of a nightmare, whether her own of someone else's he couldn't know. Overriding his frustration and grief, he sat down next to her and called upon his love for her to calm her. After a minute or five of reassuring whispers and constant stroking along her jaw-line she finally began to calm down. "'sadi?"

"Shhh, I'm here." He kissed her forehead and stood up to undress himself.

"Don't go."

Her drowsy plea cut through his heart with a vengeance. His fear of loosing her was gone now that she had expressed how much she needed him, but was replaced by another fear; fear of what would happen to her, should he die too. Unable to speak because of the lump of emotions stuck in his throat he lay down next to Deanna, forgoing changing, wrapping his arm around her as he drew her against his body; her head resting on his chest and her hair tickling his nose.

"Luv you." She murmured, already falling back asleep.

"I love you too Dea. Go back to sleep now, I'll watch over you." And within minutes he followed her into the land of dreams, protecting her from more nightmares.

It was a hail from the bridge that pulled him out of a long and deep rest. Turning, he found her side of the bed empty. Riker tapped his commbadge and listened to the voice of his second officer. "Sir, we received another update about the incident, shall I patch it through to your quarters?" 

"Yes commander, please do." His heart started racing; would this be the news they'd been waiting for? Would their questions finally be answered? Barefooted he went to the small room that functioned as study for both of them and opened the file. His eyes shot across the text, looking for that one line that would tell them why they had lost their family.

And there it was! His heart skipped a beat and he closed his eyes to compose himself. The sentence was burned on his retinas "It is thereby the conclusion of this investigation that the private vessel Iolandra has not been destroyed by a natural phenomena or internal problems." This was it, the next sentence would finally tell them why, how and whom. He opened his eyes and…found the screen black. Confused he looked around and his eyes came to rest upon Deanna. She had her arms wrapped around her body and tears were streaming down her face. "No."

"Deanna,"

"No. I don't want to know."

===tbc...===

Thank you so much for the reviews. CrusherJaneway especially :) (yes I know, one's not supposed to have favourites, but reviews like that make me light up a room *g*)  
I realize I forgot to put the URL in my previous chapter, it's and incase it doesn't come through; it's also in my profile ;) Knock yourselves out :D (and don't forget to sign the guestbook, of course)


	5. 5

5.  
  
She caught him completely by surprise; how could she possible not want to know?! Ever since the Iolandra's destruction his mind had been filled with questions; who had killed his daughter? And what reason could they possible have had? Anna was only five, innocent as a newborn kitten and yet unaware of any danger. He'd been so angry, and still was, that he was willing to chase whoever had killed her down until he could rip their hearts out in the most painful way.  
  
"Because it was an accident, that's why." Her voice was un-canny calm as it sliced through his angry thoughts, cutting them off abruptly, in total contrast with the tears that rolled down her cheeks. "They were never meant to die."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
She took a deep breath and knelt down at his side, looking up at him with tragic black eyes. "If you find out who destroyed their ship, what will you do?" When he didn't answer immediately she continued. "Suppose it was an Andorian, or a Klingon, or any of the species flying around in space, what would you do? Seek vengeance by killing every member of that species? And even if you didn't, suppose an officer of that species would be assigned to the ship, what would you do then? Transfer him, ignore him, deny him the opportunity to advance? Send him on the most dangerous away missions?"  
  
Stunned by her questions he lapsed into self-defence. "I wouldn't! Dea--"  
  
She rose, still crying but with determination shining in her eyes. "I can feel your anger...I share it." She confessed. "But it will lessen in time and I will not allow you, or myself, to hang on to that anger for vengeance. I refuse to betray their memories that way."  
  
He rose too, robbed of his ability to speak by her passionate plea. Betazoid to the end; hold no grudges, seek no revenge. Cupping her face in his hands he leant to touch his forehead to hers, then slowly brushed his lips over hers.  
  
"There's something you're not telling me." Deanna tried to move away, but he quickly slid his arms around her trembling body. Instinctively he knew that whatever she'd been hiding from him wasn't benevolent in nature, but he also knew she needed to let it go. He'd been waiting for her to bring it up herself, but as her shock revealed she hadn't expected him to notice. "Don't try to take on the Universe by yourself Imzadi."  
  
She smiled at that, grateful that he reminded her. "I...Will, I miss them, I always will, but I can't...I don't have the energy to hunt down whoever attacked them. I know it was an accident, because Mother read it in their minds...I know she wouldn't want us to hold on to our anger, because she told me. I know how frightened they were because I felt it...and" she choked back a sob and forced her eyes on his "Anna told me she loves you, us...I told her we loved her and that we would never forget her...Please Imzadi, I want to remember the good things, not the bad. Please."  
  
His tears joined hers as he finally understood what she'd been through and he realized that if he read that final report they would be remembered of this heartache every time they heard, read or saw anything related to the attackers, and they would have made their world more of a hell than it already was.  
  
===tbc...===  
  
So...the plot's been revealed and the story shall continue... Thanks once again for the reviews, they mean a lot :) 


	6. 6

**6.**

Waking up from restless slumber Deanna found herself alone in her bed and within seconds she also found herself alone in her mind. Her nightmare was still reality. She forced her tears back and tried to ignore the emptiness inside her, but like before she failed. Like any Betazoid she carried part of the minds of her Mother, half-brother and daughter within her own and now that they were gone those parts where like bubbles of acid and each time she allowed her pain more than a fleeting thought she would remember the terrible fear they had felt when their ship had been attacked.

She closed her eyes and meditated fruitlessly for nearly an hour, failing to reach a level of trance that would help her to calm down. If only the pain wouldn't be so sharp, if only she didn't remember how they had felt; how the smoke had blinded their sight and how, eventually, the ship had exploded around them. Tears fell down again, soon wetting her nightgown.

Numb, as she had been ever since her family had been taken from her, she climbed out of bed and aimlessly wandered around her quarters. Accidentally stepping on one of her daughter's toys brought new tears and with them she felt the pain all over again.

She'd been there before; dealing with the pain of death and being remembered of lost loved ones at every turn. Her grandparents, her father, Ian…all had left her to deal with the pain, but never had it hurt as much as now. Life had seemed so perfect and then in one moment her dream had turned into a nightmare and she was left alone.

So alone.

Her legs were no longer able to carry her and she sank to the floor. Why did they have to die? Why was she left with the pain? .::.You're not alone Imzadi, please let me in.::. The voice fluttered inside her head, like _Shye-_wings along her skin, and reminded her that she wasn't alone indeed. She had her husband at her side, her Imzadi, her soulmate…human. How could he possibly understand how she felt?

Arms slid around her waist, almost startling her, but not quite strong enough to make the fog that clouded her senses go away. His mind touched her, trying to cover up the bubbles of acid but failing; the pain too strong…or his love not strong enough?

She was too weak to fight the doubts, too scared for him to be nothing but a dream to reach out and allow him to help her. Her sight came back into focus and fell on her surroundings. This was Anna's room she realized and remembered how happy her little girl had been with her new room. She'd run around the ship, telling everyone she encountered that she had a new and bigger room because Mommy and Daddy would make another baby.

It had taken so much time and so many disappointments before she had conceived Anna.

Her hand drifted to her abdomen and came to rest on the fabric of her nightgown. Was she pregnant again? .::.Oh Anna, my Little One, I miss you so.::.

===tbc...===

5 more chapters to go I think :)  
I'd planned on updating this yesterday, but I got caught up in updating my site instead *blush*. Anyhow, I hope you'll 'enjoy' and review, of course *g*


	7. 7

**7.**

Instead of telling his wife via the ship's comm-system that they had established orbit around Betazed, Captain Riker chose to tell her in person. At first glance their quarters appeared empty, but after looking in their bedroom he found Deanna in Anna's room. His heart stopped beating for insane seconds as he took in the room.

Deanna sat on the antique rocking chair; the covers of their daughter's bed wrapped around her shoulders and the rest of the room was utterly bare. All Anna's toys, her clothes and the pictures and paintings that had decorated the walls were gone. Most likely disappeared in the three standard storage boxes standing in the middle of the room. "Dea?" 

So many emotions raged inside him that he couldn't move. Anger seemed dominant; at her for taking away the precious belongings of his daughter without even telling him. Damn it, she was his daughter too! "Why!" His anger flared and it wasn't until she'd jumped out of the chair and nearly stumbled against the bed that he realized she'd been asleep.

"Will? What?" Confused Deanna glanced around her, her body objecting to her sudden movements and her mind recoiling from the anger she sensed. "What's wrong?"

"Why did you do this?" He spoke through clenched teeth and nodded at the now-bare walls.

"I…I just thought…" Flustered, she didn't dare to look at him and kept her eyes locked on the floor.

"Damn it Deanna! She is *my* daughter too!!!"

"No Will! She *was* your daughter! She's dead remember! DEAD!!!"

"Don't you think I know that?! Everything I do, every single thing reminds me of her! You don't have to tell me that she's gone!!!"

"Well EXCUSE me!!!" Deanna leapt forward, brushing past him. She didn't get far however; his hand shot out and grabbed her arm, yanking her to a halt. "Let me *go*!" Her features, reddened with anger, were set in fury and her eyes blurred with tears. She pulled herself free of his grip and within seconds had run out of their quarters.

Stunned Will stayed in the room and dropped himself on his daughter's bed. His marriage with Deanna was a series of up's and down's these day. One moment they sought comfort in each other's present, the next she wanted to be alone.

And then there was the fear. The terrible fear that she would, like her mother, force herself to suppress her memories. He would do everything in his power to prevent that and he could only hope that was enough.

===tbc...===

_So far so good?_


	8. 8

**8.**

Sleep would not come that night, even less so than the nights before. Without her there next to him he simply couldn't relax. Her mind was closed to his and he hoped she felt as bad as he did. He recognized their fight earlier for what it was; an outburst of pent up emotions, but that didn't mean he forgave her for putting away their daughter's belongings without even telling him.

During the past weeks he had found some small form of comfort in watching Anna's room. He would stand in the entrance and remember how her face would light up when he came home. How she would jump off her bed and run into his arms so that he would pick her up and fly her through the air. And when he would turn around he'd find Deanna standing behind them with a soft smile on her face and the light of love shining in her eyes.

A light that had been painfully absent ever since her family had died. It was now just the two of them and they were fighting. Suddenly he saw how wrong it all was; their precious little girl shouldn't be dead, nor should his brother-in-law and mother-in-law be, but they were and now they had to stick together – not push each other away. He was hurting for all of them and for Deanna too and he just wanted it to stop.

Making up his mind he slipped into a robe and hurried to the door. He didn't know where Deanna was, but he'd find her and when he did he'd apologize even if it'd be the last thing he did. The doors opened and he stepped out side to come face to face with his wife. There were no tears in her eyes and she seemed painfully calm, but he knew that inside that pretty head emotions were raging like the worst of thunderstorms.

"I'm sorry." They said simultaneous, both laughing awkwardly at their timing. "I shouldn't have put away her belongings Will…but I just couldn't--"

"Shhh, I don't want to fight about this Deanna. Come inside, I think we could both use some sleep."

Deanna nodded and followed her husband. In their bedroom he slowly undressed her, hiding a smile as he felt her shiver under his light touches. When he was done she returned the favour, working just as slowly.

.::.I know you're still angry,.::. she thought quietly when they lay down, .::.and hurting. I am too and I want nothing more than for it to stop.::. She curled onto his chest and grabbed a handful of his chest hair. .::.I want to go on with my live; with *our* live, without feeling all this pain.::.

Will kissed the top of her hair, ignoring the dark curl that stuck to his lips as he pulled away. .::.I want that too Imzadi, but we can't forget them, ever.::.

.::.I know…but some times I wish I could.::. Her guilt flood into his mind and he hugged her closer; knowing exactly what she felt because he felt it too.

He'd nearly drifted off to sleep when her mind reached out to his again. .::.Will?.::.

.::.Hmmm?.::.

.::.I think I might be pregnant again.::.

===tbc...===

Can't have a story without at least a bit of hope, right? J The reviews are still very much appreciated *g* CrusherJaneway, thank you for your support :D


	9. 9

**9.**

"What?" His body tried to sit up straight, but Deanna countered that by pushing herself down. "Have you been to Sickbay yet?"

"No, I…" Her voice, small as it was, trailed off into silence. Will tried to follow the thoughts whirling through her mind, but she hid them too quickly. Even so, he had a pretty good idea what she was thinking about. Anna had been begging them for a little brother or sister for several months and after discussing it, Deanna had decided to stop taking her bi-monthly inhibitors, knowing from experience that it might well be a long time before she actually got pregnant. And now, what should have been happy news, only added to the fear and sadness already running through their minds.

Why could nothing ever be easy for them? There was always something that had to counter anything good happening in their lives. Deanna's capture by the Sindareen; him sleeping with Wendy just as Deanna came to make up and the trend continued. Their meeting aboard the Enterprise D had been overshadowed by the pain from their parting and until now the worst had been their wedding, which had been followed way too quickly by the assault on Deanna and the death of Data.

And now this.

He felt like screaming at the Universe until it handed him some kind of explanation or in the very least an apology. Of course Deanna sensed this and snuggled closer, without words letting him know she felt the same. "How sure are you?" He asked, feeling he had to ask something.

"Pretty sure."

"Then we'll stop by Sickbay tomorrow." Almost imperceptibly her body tensed in his arms. .::.Dea?.::.

Slowly she pushed herself into a sitting position and turned away from him; effectively hiding her eyes and emotions from him. He hated it when she did that, passionately. This time, when he reached out, she didn't pull away and as he rubbed a hand up and down her back he took some comfort from the contact himself as well. .::.You can tell me Dea, you know that.::.

.::.No!...Yes…I--I'm scared Will.::.

.::.I know, but that's only normal…remember when you first--.::.

.::.No, that's not it…It took so long before we had Anna, and I couldn't take care of her. I lost her, just like I lost Ian, what if…what if I can't keep this baby safe either?.::.

Shocked Riker jumped of the bed to kneel down in front of his wife. "Hey, don't think like that." Tears showed behind her black eyes –not the kind that would soon roll down her face, but the worst kind; the empathic tears, the ones that were lying behind her eyes and were slowly eating at her. The ones that broke his heart. "It wasn't your fault Dea, you know that. It was out of your hands."

.::.Maybe.::. She admitted half-heartedly .::.But I'm supposed to keep my children safe and apparently I cannot do that…I don't want to loose another child Will, I can't.::.

===tbc...===

Two more chapters to go :) Keep reviewing please *g* 


	10. 10

**10.**

The Bridge was eerily silent around him, but right now it didn't bother him at all; there was too much he needed to think about. He and Deanna had agreed to go to Sickbay as soon as his shift was over to find out if her instincts were right, if she was indeed pregnant again.

And if she was…where did that leave them? It seemed almost unfair for a child's conception to be overshadowed by grief, but how could they not grieve? Anna had been their first born; a reward for months and months of fear and disappointment and she'd been such a precious little girl that they'd happily given up nights of uninterrupted sleep. He'd enjoyed watching Deanna take care of their daughter; marvelling how well she fit to motherhood and how just being with Anna made her glow like he'd never seen.

Maybe, in spite of her fear that she was a bad mother, this new baby would give her something to take comfort in. They'd both taken the deaths of Anna, Lwaxana and Barin hard, but he knew that inherently it was different for Deanna. She'd sensed them as they'd died and she had always carried part of their souls within her own, and now they'd been brutally pulled away from her. Part of him was angry at the ones that had taken their lives, not only for tearing his family from him, but also for causing his wife such pain.

Caught up in his, not always coherent, thoughts he did not notice the passage of time until the doors at his left opened to admit his second in command. A wordless nod passed between them and they switched places; she in the captain's chair and him in the turbolift. 

His heart started beating faster and faster as he approached their quarters to pick up Deanna, then plummeted all the way down to the pit of his stomach as the doors opened to reveal his wife curled up in a chair, her body shaking with fear. .::.Oh Imzadi, please don't cry.::. 

Deanna didn't react, but somehow his attention was drawn to the table on which an activated padd lay. He picked up the rectangular piece of sophisticated technology and read through the words, his heart stopped beating completely once he realized what it was.

"Mommy and Daddy, could you please, please, please give me a little brother or sister for my birthday? I don't want anything else and I will eat all my vegetables. I also thought of names; Anna II or Lizzy or Eric or Mark…" He stopped reading, overwhelmed by the memory of Anna proudly presenting the padd to them and at their words of praise quietly admitting that her Aunt Beverly had written it for her.

Tears spilled from his own eyes as he knelt down next to his wife, resting his head against hers and crying with her until they both calmed down. .::.Deanna, we can wait.::.

She stood up slowly, smoothing her clothes and quickly running a hand through her curls. .::.No, I'm fine…I'm just sad that--.::. She broke off her thought and reached for him, burying herself in his embrace for a short moment. .::.I can't help it, but it feels so wrong, to be so happy about having another baby.::.

"I know Imzadi…no one would've been happier than Anna and we'll make sure her little brother or sister will know that." A weak smile lit Deanna's face as she accepted her husband's offered hand and followed him to Sickbay.

**===one to go===**

_I hope y'all're still reading *g*___


	11. 11

**11.**

The Doctor's smiling face told them all they needed to know and in the same second a kaleidoscope of emotions surged through their minds. Anna's happy laughter seemed to ring through the air and for a moment they remembered how they'd been at her birthday; dancing around the dinner table singing Happy Birthday as Anna eagerly watched the presents that had been piled up on the shiny surface.

But in the blink of an eye the image was torn from their minds' eyes and soft half-Betazoid filled his arms. The conflict raging about in their minds drew them together and he was happy for the comfort the hug offered.

They sat in silence, slowly allowing themselves to come to terms with the finality of the Doctor's diagnosis and composing their thoughts before returning to their quarters; returning the sad smiles they collected from crewmembers along the way.

Inside the sanctuary of their home, Will sat his wife on the couch and got her something to drink and eat, and already Deanna knew he was going to pamper her just as he had when she'd been pregnant with Anna…and new tears sprang to her eyes.

"Deanna?"

She looked up into his sparkling blue eyes, knowing he shared her sorrow and her happiness, but they only made her hurt more. She knew he was trying so hard to comfort her, to guide her through the pain, but there were times he only made it worse. 

There were times, more often than she wanted to admit, that all she wanted to do was find a dark corner somewhere; curl up and just stop feeling. Some times all she wanted was for him to take her in her arms and tell her that everything would be all right. That the hurting would go away. 

And that she wouldn't have to sense his feelings.

And then there were times when nothing was more soothing than knowing he felt the same way she did, that he too was conflicted by sadness and happiness and that he understood how she felt; that she wasn't alone.

But right now she wondered if he could really grasp what was going on inside her heart and mind, if he really understood how frightened she was of loosing another child; of having her heart torn apart once again.

"I'm all right." She said eventually, reaching out to ruffle a head through his soft hair, suddenly shocked by the amount of grey she found. When had he grown old?

And as she took his hand and stood up she realized he was not the only one growing old. The last weeks had taken their heavy toll on them and she knew they weren't done paying that toll yet…there was still so much to grieve about; so much to miss. But as her hand strayed to her belly she felt, for the first time in too long, the quiet insistence that there was still so much to live for too.

**===End===**

Okay, like it or not, this was the last chapter ;) Always good to end a sad story on a note of hope *waves*


End file.
